The sun always shines above the clouds

It’s a grey cloudy day, typical of Wellington winter.  As the plane take off we have the usual bumps navigating the breeze as we ascend.  There above the clouds the sun shines on my face, it feels like summer, like I’ve just gone on holiday.  Yet I’m only flying to Hamilton and the weather sounds pretty wintery there too!

That’s the thing with the weather, it comes and goes can be warm and sunny, cloudy and cold.  It’s natural, it’s the seasons.  Whatever the weather though the sun is always there.  On any given day if you fly above the clouds the sun is always shining, we just can’t always see it.

Life is the same.  It can get heavy, cloudy and dark but the sun is still there shining behind those cloudy moments.  Clouds come and go in our life but the sun is always there, we just have to look for it and sometimes that means waiting for the clouds to pass or getting above them to bask in the sun.

Those that know me know I’m a bit of a sun seeker, I’m not a fan of winter.  This winter not being able to travel to sunnier places has left me facing winter with no way out.  Even though I’m only flying to Hamilton (that’s the Waikato, not Hamilton Island Queensland!) I’m reflecting on the fact I can still find the sun.  Maybe I didn’t need to head to far off islands after all.

It’s similar with our life, sometimes we can be so lost in the search for more we miss what’s right under our noses.  So it’s only 12 degrees but this sunny, still day in Raglan can replace any tropical island beach – I just might not be swimming!

Seeing the sunshine that exists in our life helps us cultivate gratitude and stop lusting after more.  We know that craving is never fulfilled – like a bottomless bucket, there’s always more.  What if we didn’t need to seek the sun, because it’s been there all along?

Becoming more mindful has allowed me to notice more of the things I’m grateful for in life – the little sunshine moments that exist even on the cloudy days. And let’s face it we need the cloudy days, they bring rain and that leads to growth both of our plants but also in our life as we grow from our challenges.

Whatever the weather in your life currently remember the sun is always shining behind those clouds.

The invisible load at home

Last week I had to go and get my smear test done, it’s one of those tasks that’s necessary but never really looked forward to – or is it?  The nurse shared with me that post lock down women had been saying ‘it’s nice to come here and have an excuse to lay down for a few minutes’ – even a smear test had become a luxury and time away from the demands of family life! 

The UN tell us that globally women are still doing three times more unpaid care work than men and we know from lock down the biggest burden was on working women.  Research from the University of Cambridge in the UK show mothers during lockdown, whether working or not, took on 30 per cent more of the homeschooling duties than fathers, and up to 50 per cent more childcare duties. The gender divide was higher for high-income households, where women were spending seven hours a day on schooling and childcare, and men 4.5 hours.

I work with many intelligent working women with kids; lawyers, doctors, CEOs and whilst we mostly talk about work they’ll all admit to being exhausted and tired.  Most of them have a mountain of work to do at home and when I ask about support from a partner they say ‘it’s not really his thing’, ‘he’s so tired when he comes home from work he just sits in front of the TV’ ‘he goes to the gym after work’ or any number of other excuses as to why they’re doing the majority of the work at home on top of their day jobs – no wonder they’re tired and burnt out.

This has to change and we have to be the ones to change it.  There’s so much baggage and history that provides a barrier to this though – our roles as ‘good’ wives, what our mothers (or mother in laws) did and therefore the example that’s been set.  The need to keep all the balls in the air and be seen to be coping as well as the fear that if we ask for support we’re admitting defeat or saying we can’t cope or get accused of ‘nagging’.

It’s costing us our health and our relationships with our families, not to mention the knock on effect in our careers etc.  There are many reasons why we don’t ask for help at home.  But I don’t believe it’s asking for help because that implies it’s our job.  I’m in a same sex relationship so it’s not about gender roles, we both live in the house so we’re both responsible for the work that involves – this should be the case regardless of gender.

It frustrates me to hear these clever, busy, career women taking on more than their fair share and wonder why they can’t juggle it all perfectly.  It’s like trying to do 40 hours of work in a 24 hour day – we’re setting ourselves up to fail.  We’ve also created a society in which men are praised for doing their fair share – further evidencing this feeling that it’s actually a woman’s role.

Our time is just as valuable (if not more so given the amount we actually get done in that time).  There are apps that can help and some women use spreadsheets of job distribution – what needs doing around the house and for the kids, who wants to do what and what can we outsource.  Right from washing, cleaning, school drops offs, feeding the cat, booking the social engagements and buying family birthday cards.  At the very least he’ll realise just how much of the invisible load you’re carrying, hopefully it’s also a catalyst to talk about how you may share that load better.

Most often they’ll not do anything until asked and will assume if you don’t ask you don’t need help (or in many cases are completely oblivious to what’s actually going on at all) – the magic wardrobe that just keeps refilling with clean clothes. 

If we’re to achieve our potential as woman and live and healthy happy life where we can be our best both as partner, parent and person as well as in our career this is a major factor.  Most of us know from experience we can’t do much when we’re exhausted all the time and on the edge of burn out.  We need support, we need time for us and we need to not feel guilty about it.

So have the conversation, ask for help, either from your partner, the kids (if they’re old enough) or family.  And let’s get this straight, this is about the household taking responsibility for the household needs not you asking for help with ‘your’ workload. 

“I’ve got the washing in for you”

“Oh, were your clothes not out on the line too???”

It should be a shared workload if it’s a shared house.  Think about flat sharing – you wouldn’t have done all of the cleaning and cooking for your flat mates whilst also paying the same rent so why do it for your family, especially if its at the expense of your wellbeing. 

It might just be the pick ups or taking the kids so you can go to the gym.  It might be that you delegate the cleaning or gardening and pay someone else.  Sit down with your family armed with a list of everything that needs doing and work out who’s going to do what. 

It’s better for you, it’s better for your family and it’s only fair.  Especially if you’re working full time.  Value yourself, value your time.  The collective success of our families depend on the health and happiness of all those members within the family, like the tribes we used to coexist in – we shared the load.

Find out more in my latest book the Superwoman Survival Guide available now

Your job as a leader isn’t to know everything or do everything

There’s been a reoccurring theme on my Imposter Syndrome workshops, Women in Leadership Programmes and Coaching sessions. High performing women who are finding their feet in their roles yet feel they need to be more in order to ‘be good enough’ or fully capable of the role.

They’ll say to me I need to know more about x, or I’m not sure I have enough experience in y, I should be doing more of z. I haven’t got a tech or finance back ground and now I’m leading those types I feel out of my depth and I worry I’m not up to the job if I don’t know this stuff. Should I retrain?

It might have been something you’ve said to yourself, especially when new in role. Here’s my response.

Leadership is not about knowing it all or doing it all it’s about the team you surround yourself with to complement your skill set, delegating and tapping into the skills and expertise of others. 

Look at Jacinda Ardern, a fine local example of great leadership currently! When she came to power many cited her lack of business and finance background as an area for concern. I don’t think she had much of a health background either! Look at how the world are discussing her leadership example now and the team she’s fronted this global pandemic with. The expertise she’s tapped into through the likes of Grant Robinson and Ashley Bloomfield who front the media when it’s their skill set required.

Jacinda also talks a lot about the team of 5 million. Leading from the front but empowering everyone to be part of the solution and bringing us all along on that journey. When we involve others and empower them to be part of the solution we find they’re doing the work alongside the leader not just ‘for the leader’ as a more instructive/command model would promote. It promotes an environment of ‘we’re all in this together let’s support each other’.

Leaders like our own PM embody this, she also talks about kindness, calm and trust more often than we’re used to hearing from leaders. Again this is something that comes up a lot on my programmes and coaching sessions – emotional intelligence and how we leverage this skill in our leadership roles.

Often we worry, as women that these skills may make us seem weak or too soft. Yet leadership examples like Jacinda Ardern are showing the strength in EQ and kindness. When we have trust we build great relationships and when we do that we are able to influence people, ask tough questions and they are more likely to chose to follow us, go the extra mile, give their skills and experience to the greater cause.

As a leader I’ll ask your opinion, I’ll defer to you when you know more than me and I’ll trust your advice, that’s why you’re in my team because health/finance etc is not my strength – we can’t be good at everything and are not supposed to know all the answers.

Your job as a leader isn’t to know everything or be able to do everything but to surround yourself with those who can and lead together. When we leverage our collective skills we all succeed.

For more check out my Women in Leadership programmes and coaching sessions.

Self-care beyond spas - powering you to succeed

Self-care is something I talk about a lot and also one of my non negotiables.  I learned the hard way, back in my corporate world days where the busier I thought I was the more valued I felt, the more hours I worked the more status I achieved and the more money I earned the happier I thought I’d be.  It turns out this isn’t the formula and whilst I’m still busy these days I’ve mastered the art of balance.

I use self-care as the foundation from which I build and if I feel good and have plenty of energy everything else seems so much easier, even when the tough times hit.  Self-care is a critical part of building our resilience but also giving us the mental clarity to create and the energy to succeed.

When you read articles from some of the most successful people in our society they talk about their morning routines, their self-care, how they centre themselves.  I believe this is the key to our success and how we reach our potential because I’ve seen the difference it’s made for me.

I don’t mind admitting I’m in bed most nights before 10pm.  It means I wake up fresh and ready for the day.  I spent years dragging myself out of bed and was desperately attached to the snooze button.  As a result I’d feel sluggish most of the morning and it’d take a few cups of caffeine to lift the brain fog.  I find these days my morning routine is so important to starting the day well.  My brain functions better and my mind is more clear and therefore creative.

I get up early, do some stretches and sit for 10 minutes to meditate, sometimes longer if I’ve got the time and sometimes not at all if I’ve not.  I believe in the 80:20 rule and if you’re doing things 80% of the time the 20% you miss is inconsequential.  I then have breakfast and get ready for the day.  I also like to get outside and walk the dog.

Exercise is key for me as is being out in nature.  I make sure this happens in some form most lunchtimes.  I also make sure I’m getting to a yoga class at least once a week to offset all the sitting I do.  Failing that I so some stretches or sit with my legs up the wall for 5 minutes, this releases my lower back and helps calm the mind too.

It’s so often the small, simple stuff that makes the difference, the things that don’t cost money or take up much extra time because let’s face it we need this stuff most because we’re so short on time!

Those who know me know I’m a fan of the sauna, particularly in winter.  It’s a warm, quiet dark space and I feel instantly relaxed when I’m in there.  It’s also where a lot of my thinking happens so important processing time.

I’m also a fan of the spa and a massage but self-care is so much more than this.  These are the basics that keep us well but self-care extends far beyond this.  A lot of self-care is how we allow ourselves to be treated.  The people we hang out with, how we allow others to treat us, the voice inside our head and how we let it talk to us.  The food we put into our body, the way we feel when we look in the mirror, how busy we allow ourselves to be and if we care enough about ourselves to make time for ourselves.

As women it’s too easy to feel guilty or selfish when we take time for us.  Especially if we have dependants and other people relying on our time and energy.  However, if we do take time for us it’s not only ourselves that benefit.  Imagine what a better partner, parent, worker, colleague we’d be if we weren’t tired and stressed, how much more we could give others, the quality of our relationships and how we’d respond to conflict and bumps in the road?

When we take time for self-care everyone around us benefits too.  If we’re compassionate by nature we can often find we’re last on our own list – but then how can we give to others if we’re pouring from an empty cup?  It’s the ‘put your own oxygen mask on first’ adage.

So how else can we take care of ourselves and invest in self-care to keep us at our best?

Taking a break from technology once a month for a day or two helps clear my mind and give me a break from the constant social media messaging and body image, comparison, not good enough spiral that it’s easy to get caught up in – this is an act of self-care.

Simply sitting in silence for a few minutes before the rest of the house wakes – this is also an act of self-care.

Leaving a company that doesn’t align to your values, a boss who mis-treats you, a partner who doesn’t respect you – these are all acts of self-care.  As is saying no to demands when you’re overscheduled.

This is a tough one, when we’re conditioned to put others first and the please people, when we’ve based our identity on helping others and being all things to all people, saying no does not come naturally for many women.  Often saying no can leave us feeling guilty and selfish, like we’ve let people down.

I’ve never been good in this space and that’s why I get so busy.  Either because I don’t want to let people down or I’m worried about offending them.  I’m also a people pleaser and I also want to help others, not to mention feeling proud that they’ve come to me in the first place and therefore wanting to deliver for them (the drive to succeed plays a role here too).  This may resonate with many of you.

Over the last year or so as I’ve become more well known the demands on my time have increased.  More people want to meet for coffee, to pick my brains or simply to connect and it’s something I love to do.  However there are only so many hours a day and often this can dominate my schedule and take me away from my work.  It’s led me to reflect; where do you draw the line and how can we get comfortable saying no?

I think saying no has evolved to be selfish, negative and avoidable in our eyes.  If we’re superwoman and succeeding in all areas of life surely we say yes to everything and saying no is a sign we’re not good enough or up to the job?

Flipping the narrative here and knowing that saying no is how we deliver on our superwoman ideal has helped me.  Saying no to protect myself and to ensure I stay on top form to be able to deliver on expectations and be good to others.  Saying no to the one extra meeting when the week is full means I’ve more energy when I get home to be with my family.  Saying no to another 6 am start because they’ve happened all week means that when I get on stage people get the full me not a 60% tired version.

No doesn’t have to be no, it doesn’t have to be a negative or a sign I don’t care or a feeling of not delivering or letting people down.  It can be

“Not right now, maybe when I’m less busy”. 

“No but thanks for asking I really appreciate that you thought of me”

“No but I might know someone else that can help”

“No, not this time but feel free to ask next time”

“No but I’d have loved to if I had the time”

“No because I’m doing x, y, and z in stead”

“I already have plans” or “something else has come up”

“I’m not available but let’s reschedule”

So next time you’re overscheduled see balancing the busyness as an act of self-care

Next time you’re in an uneven relationship or a negative conversation see removing yourself as an act of self-care.  Next time you have to say no, see it as looking after yourself so you’re able to give more to others and deliver on your own expectations.

Self-care is our foundation, is where everything else builds from and it’s how we stay our best.  It’s so often the small things and that’s why we tend to overlook them but they make such a big difference.