High Performance Habits

‘We are what we repeatedly do.  Excellence therefore is not an act but a habit’ – Aristotle

Often the difference between those who succeed and those who do not is the habits they form. This is how we hit peak performance – forming good habits and breaking bad ones.

All Blacks mental skills coach, Gilbert Enoka, talks about this in relating his experience of coaching rugby players. There’s a combination of mindset and skillset he says is crucial for success, but there’s also a third, equally important point: structure. Together, mindset, skillset and structure make up Enoka’s success triangle.

He’s witnessed players who have the necessary skills and mindset still fail to make the team because of a lack of structure. If they can’t adhere to the necessary routine of training, early nights, meal plans and habits, they will inevitably not succeed.

Of course, the fact that habits are so important is easier said than done. Often it’s not our lack of knowledge that’s the problem but how we implement the knowledge we do have, especially on a regular basis. Success requires structure, in the form of a succession of positive habits.

Forming good habits sounds simple, but, of course, it’s not. Otherwise, we’d all go to the gym, eat salad all the time and wake up at 6 am every day. Even when we know the negative impacts of a certain habit, it can be hard to break. Think of smoking, for example; we all know it kills us, but sometimes that’s still not enough to stop us.

A habit is a repeated behaviour that becomes automatic. The trouble is that we tend to find it easier to keep the bad habits and harder to form good ones – that involves more effort and less immediate reward.

Our bad habits work against us by being easy to perform and giving us instant reward hits – a wine on a Friday night, for example. Eating well, in contrast, won’t give us an immediate sugar hit, and the health benefits or weight loss might not be evident until weeks down the track.

How can we build positive habits and break bad ones? The best advice I’ve heard on this topic comes from James Clear in his book Atomic Habits. Clear believes that both success and failure are preceded by habits, and that we can be the creator, rather than the victim, of our habits. What’s on our desk or the way we set up our home can influence our behaviours and habits, he says; our environment is the architect of our habits.

What I like about focusing on our habits is that it puts us in control; it’s something we can influence. Whilst we tend to think that success is just down to talent, and that some people are just high performers for that reason, there’s much more to it. Talent gets us so far, but great habits make the difference. It makes sense when we look at those who are truly talented. At some point, those people are going to reach a peak at which everyone else around them is just as talented. At that point, how do they stand out? The answer lies in good habits, continuous improvement and a drive for performance. A lot of top athletes, for example, may have had talent to start with – but so did others who’ve not made it in their field. The difference most of these athletes talk about is the hard work and effort they’ve put in.

Peak performance is about forming good habits and repeating them consistently, whether that’s a gym routine, organising your diary, doing your filing, taking a lunch break or checking in on the team.

Let’s look at breaking bad habits first.

Reducing exposure and temptation is fundamental. If you want to save money, unsubscribe from those marketing emails that tempt you with specials. Want to stop eating chocolate at night whilst watching TV? Don’t buy it or have it in the house. If you have to get in the car and go to the shops for it, you’re less likely to pursue it – making the bad habit harder helps break it. I don’t have biscuits in the house usually; it’s an easy way to break my bad habit of demolishing a whole packet in one sitting.

Is your environment conducive to forming good habits or bad ones? Which habits are easier for you, and how can you make the bad ones harder and the good ones easier? Having my gym kit ready to go in the morning means I’m more likely to go to the gym later that day – in that way, I’ve made the habit easier.

The law of least effort applies, according to Clear. If we succeed in making bad habits harder and good habits easier, we’ll see a shift. We also have to want to create the habit (that is, we have to enjoy it), and we have to have an environment that’s conducive to the habit and a plan to make it happen.

The law of least effort is why it’s easy to binge-watch Netflix. It’s easier to let it keep auto-playing the next episode than to pick up your device and press stop. In this way, when we plan on watching one episode, we often end up watching the whole season and staying up three hours later than we meant to!

This is why I go on retreat to write books. It removes distractions. I find less excuses not to write when I’m away in the countryside, in a cottage, by myself. I don’t have TV and I don’t take books; it’s just me and my writing. I have to make it rewarding, though, so I take my favourite snacks and give myself a target. Each day, when I hit the word count that I’m aiming for, I reward myself with a cup of tea and some chocolate biscuits. That gives me that instant gratification; a reward that comes much sooner than seeing the book on the shelf. In this way, I’m forming good habits and making them easier to adopt.

I love the sauna, but the gym takes a bit more motivation. I go to the gym, and then I reward myself afterwards with a sauna, which is in the same building as the gym. I know I only get the sauna if I go to the gym, and once I’m in the building for one, the other becomes much more doable.

Another great hack from James Clear when it comes to forming good habits is something he calls ‘habit stacking’: adding a new habit we want to form on to an existing habit we already have, so we’re more likely to do it.

As an example, I mean to take my supplements every day, but I often forget. Leaving them by the kettle helps remind me and make this habit easy, because I’ve stacked it with another habit I know I’ll do every morning – my cup of tea.

Similarly, my meditation habit is something I do each morning for 10 minutes at the same time my partner is walking the dog. It means the house is quiet, and it’s part of my routine before my shower.

Thinking about habits can become a drain – the ever-constant thought ‘I must do this.’ Reframing statements like this into ‘the kind of person I want to become’ gives the habit more meaning and also motivates us.

I want to be a calm, clear-headed, happy individual; that’s why I meditate each morning. That self-talk gives me a different way of thinking about the habit; it’s not just another thing on my to-do list I’ve got to get around to doing today. It connects my activity with my ‘why’: the benefit I’m getting from the habit and how I identify myself. It links my results to my beliefs. There’s also the added reward hit my meditation app gives me: a gold star each time I don’t miss a day. Let’s face it, the reward of a calm, clear mind takes much more than one session to realise.

So, what habits do you want to form, and what’s your plan of action?

Having the goal is one thing, but James Clear will tell you that the habit is the system behind the goal: it’s the habit that will make the goal a reality.

Our fitness or weight loss goals only happen because of healthy habits. Our revenue goals are realised because of our sales strategy, so success is less about what we’re aiming for and more about what we’re going to do to get there – then the result takes care of itself.

This knowledge enables us to create a plan and develop good habits. I really like the analogy Clear uses of running a race. We tend to focus on the finish line, and ready ourselves for the result we want to see. But Clear tells us we should focus on being ready for the start line. If we’re ready at the start line, the finish line (the goal) will take care of itself; it will eventuate by virtue of our training and preparation (our habits).

If I’ve already put my gym kit in the car the night before, I’ve already done the hard work; the chances are greater that I’ll work out now rather than turning around and going home.

It’s worth considering how you can make your good habits more achievable and more within your reach, otherwise your goals can become overwhelming. Clear advises focusing on one habit at a time and aiming for a 1 per cent improvement. This is achievable and still impactful as it compounds: Clear calls it the power of tiny gains.

Find out more in the new book, Burnout to Brilliance, out now

A focused mind is a brilliant mind – the art of flow

Have you ever found yourself so completely immersed in a task hours flew by unnoticed? Or been so absorbed in what you were doing, the doing became the goal.  It’s often when we’re feeling most energised and accomplished and likely to be the effortless state of performance, known as flow.

Flow is referred to as an optimal state of presence and consciousness, where we feel our best and perform at our best.  As part of being our best and achieving brilliance I wanted to explore this concept of flow and how we get there more regularly.

When we’re in flow it’s likely we’ll feel full of energy, our productivity will increase, we’ll be more creative and innovative and we feel more confident and happier.

In a 10-year McKinsey study, top executives reported being five times more productive in flow. That would mean if we spent Monday in flow we could literally take the rest of the week off and still have got more done than most.

While most of us spend less than five percent of our work life in flow, if that number could be nudged up closer to 20 percent, according to the same McKinsey study, overall workplace productivity would almost double.  That’s a significant shift on the dial where performance is concerned.

Research by flow guru Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi tells us to create flow, an activity must stretch our potential enough to have an even balance between how challenging the activity feels for us, and our level of skill to complete the activity. It is known as the challenge to skill ratio.

Commonly described as being in the zone, totally absorbed in the task, oblivious to everything going on around us and merging at one with the activity.  Flow is often attributed the athletes and artists but available to us all.

We only have a finite amount of attention and focus: if we’re spreading them across many activities, it makes sense we’re not going to achieve the same level of quality. If we’re attending a meeting whilst thinking about what’s for dinner, reading the notes from the last meeting and checking our emails, all of those activities are going to be compromised. If we focus all of our energy or attention on one thing, the quality will improve dramatically.

Flow is like mindfulness, which I’ve long thought is the secret to success is so many ways.

When we succumb to the flurry of thoughts running through our head, our minds become chaotic, and we get more and more distracted.

A 2016 study conducted at the US National Institute on Aging found that allowing our mind to be disorganised doesn’t just feel bad – it’s also actually bad for us. A disorganised mind leads to high stress and chronic negativity.

This reminds me of my yoga teacher training. When doing balancing poses we’re always told to find a gaze point (‘Drishti’ in Sanskrit, meaning ‘focused gaze’, used to develop concentrated intention). When we focus our eyes on one, non-moving thing, we find balance so much easier, and our concentration improves. When we’re looking around the room at everyone else, we wobble much more. When we focus on one thing at a time, we make a better job of it.

Tips to create flow

·       Practise mindfulness – a present mind is a focused one.

·       Do things that use your skills/strengths.

·       Develop healthy habits (in terms of sleeping, eating and moving).

·       Look for a healthy level of challenge and stretch.

·       Take regular breaks.

·       Avoid distractions.

What stops us being brilliant? The barriers to peak performance

We know what creates peak performance but what about what prevents it?  Author of The Inner Game, Timothy Gallwey refers to the barriers to performance as interference.  Emotions that get in the way of us achieving our potential. 

performance = potential – interference

Gallwey’s 3 emotional interferences are worry, guilt and fear.  These are all barriers to us achieving our potential and therefore performing.  Gallwey believes to maximise performance we need to minimise inference. 

Whilst interference comes from our thoughts it can also be impacted by our surrounding environment, including the people and distractions in it.  Gallwey also advises an essential component to performance is giving our full attention to what we’re doing (flow) and is an advocate for removing inference in the form of distractions.

Worry is a commonly experienced emotion with anxiety at work much talked about.  I like using the circle of influence to control my worries when they occur and I love the quote by Mark Twain “There has been much tragedy in my life, at least half of it actually happened”

Worry is an emotion that robs us of the present and also robs us of our potential.  If we spend all our time worrying about things that have happened or the what ifs that may happen we’ll miss out on the potential we have in the here and now. 

Anxiety is an emotion that can exacerbate burnout and also impact some of the good habits we need for peak performance like sleep, exercise and what we eat.

Guilt is more subtle and not talked about so much but sits there under the surface for most of us and is just as impactful.  It’s one of the emotions that drives unsustainable work-life balance. The guilt of saying no or not leaving early for an appointment for example.

Many of us can think of a time fear has stopped us at work, whether it be applying for a promotion or speaking out in a senior meeting.  Where fear is concerned our minds play negative tricks on us to keep us safe, but this can also keep us unchallenged and unfulfilled.  Our biggest fear is often our fear of failure.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest to achieve peak performance we have to fail – and this is the opposite to what we get taught.  Our society believes failure is the opposite to success and many of our organisational cultures operate the same way leaving us feeling there’s no place for failure and therefore a resulting fear of it on this quest for peak performance.  It’s why giving ourselves permission to fail is so hard on our journey to brilliance, they seem like competing ends of the extreme and yet it’s one of the most impactful strategies we can employ.

Once we understand our unique talents and the barriers that get in the way we are equipped with the knowledge to achieve our potential.  From here cultivating a mindset of brilliance and the habits and structures that ensure we remain energised and sustainable unlock the key to peak performance.

Find out more in the new book, Burnout to Brilliance, out now

My own burnout story

I was born in rural England to a loving family. We were not well off, but my life was generally one of privilege. I was sold on the cultural norms of being a high-achieving woman. I climbed the career ladder, and chased the promotions, the company car and the salary package. I got the top job and the beach house. I settled down and had it all figured out by the age of 30 – or so I thought.

I was working hard and yet there was always more to do, more to prove. It was never enough.

The result was that I became stuck on the treadmill of ‘doing’ life without really finding any joy in it. I wasn’t living my life, and as a result I was deeply unfulfilled. I’d lost touch with what was important, who I was and what I wanted. My health began to suffer, and I was unhappy – it was at that point I experienced burnout.

It was shortly after I’d taken over covering the role of a colleague in addition to my own. Now heading up two teams and looking after 10 sites instead of five, I was stretched further across the country, sitting in more leadership meetings and involved in more projects than I could keep up with.

I spent most days in the car or back-to-back meetings. I had little time to enjoy the beach house I had settled in, as I was always in hotels working away. When I was at home, I had little time or energy to indulge in any hobbies or exercise, or even function in my relationship. But the high achiever in me kept pushing. More was better: I had to prove myself, and failure was not an option. Besides, I didn’t want to let people down.

My boss at the time called me to ask if I’d manage a big change project about to hit the manufacturing part of the business. I was going through a breakup with my partner of seven years, and she thought it might ‘help take my mind off it’. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back. As my life unravelled, so did my health.

Physically, the defining moment came at a gym class on my 31st birthday. I was exhausted as usual and a little out of shape, but also looking for excuses not to go home and face the music. Midway through a step class, I felt a pop in my knee and collapsed to the floor. Amid the thumping music and frowns of onlookers, I broke down and cried, heaving sobs. I couldn’t even feel my knee, so it wasn’t pain-related; it was the fact that a lid of emotions seemed to have had lifted, and it hit me like a truck. I started to cry that night, and didn’t stop for about a month. I couldn’t get out of bed, and conveniently for my work I was bedridden for recovery of my ruptured cruciate, which might need surgery. For work purposes I could hide behind this sports injury rather than my breakdown. I didn’t want anyone to know I’d failed; that I couldn’t cope, couldn’t keep up.

Those long days in bed gave me a lot of time to think, and forced me to spend time recovering because there wasn’t much else I could do. I also started to talk to a professional about what was really going on for me, in a bid to figure out what I should do next.

That turned out to be to wipe the slate clean and start again. To throw out everything that wasn’t working and figure out what would. My relationship, my job – even the beach house – all ended so I could begin the rebuild and finally devote time to who I was and what I wanted.

I knew something had to change, and decided that that ‘something’ was everything.

My reinvention wasn’t a revelation that came to me in the middle of the night during a ‘seeing the light’ moment. It was more of a ‘hitting a brick wall’ kind of moment: I hit the wall, and then the wall came crashing down on top of me. It was a choice my body helped me make, because it realised after a year of hints that I wasn’t getting the message.

When I think back, the signs were there. It was a slow burn; it was just always more convenient for me not to notice. I was always on the verge of getting sick, battling a tiredness no amount of sleep or long weekends could cure. My batteries always seemed to be running on empty, and I’d lost my motivation for practically everything. I didn’t have any joy in my work, or in the things I used to enjoy in life. I’d excuse this malaise at the weekend, telling myself I was tired and rest was the right thing to do to offset the busyness, and then I’d throw myself into my work to keep my mind off these gnawing doubts and problems.

I withdrew from friends, as I hadn’t the energy to socialise. I justified it by telling them how big and important my job was, and in my own head told myself I needed the rest and that those with ‘my sort of job’ couldn’t be expected to socialise in the week; it wasn’t part of the deal. The truth was I’d lost interest in being around others or having fun or making an effort to do anything really. The irony was that this big job that took up so much of my life and was the Holy Grail of career success actually no longer interested me either. I’d lost my passion for the very thing I was making all these sacrifices for. I didn’t want to be at work; I couldn’t really care less about the work I was doing, such was my burnout. In hindsight I can see that I was checking out, losing motivation and ultimately disengaging from work and life because of my burnout.

I’d got into the habit of drinking a bottle of wine every Friday to unwind, and got out of the habit of exercise. Before my burnout that would be another thing I’d cram in so my life had all the hallmarks of success. I’d go to 6 am yoga or head to the gym after work but just prior to my burnout even that had slipped: I’d treat myself to takeaways because I had no energy to cook and, well, I needed a treat. Life was hard – this was self-care, wasn’t it? I’d tell myself I could do more self-care when my holidays rolled around, but of course it was never the right time to take leave, so they never did come around.

So, at 31, I gave it all up and started again, in a bid to recover from my burnout and to ensure that I never got this low again. I wanted to rebuild my life around my passions. If plan A wasn’t the answer, as everyone had led me to believe, what was?

I walked away from my long-term relationship, gave up my career in the corporate world and decided on a complete change of direction: I would follow my passion for writing books.

Part of my recovery included a trip to Bali (isn’t that where everyone goes when they burn out?) and another part involved spending time back in the UK with those who I loved and needed around. I interspersed these with many retreats and ashram stays, at which I could devote time to yoga, mindfulness, silence, meditation and reconnecting with myself.

This turned out to be the turning point.

I spent a year writing my first book and doing other things that made my heart sing, including travelling the circumference of Australia in a camper van and visiting Bhutan. I taught English to Buddhist monks in Thailand, and lived in ashrams and mindfulness centres.

I had always been sold on the concept that a good job and a regular income provides you with reliability. It’s scary not to have a pay cheque coming into your account every month, and for me it was the first time I wasn’t earning since I had been old enough to work.

I returned to New Zealand as a qualified coach, yoga teacher and mindfulness practitioner, with no money in my bank account. This is how I began the next chapter of my life. Based in Wellington, where I didn’t know anyone, I began putting on events, coaching and writing my second book, sharing what I’d learned and my passion with others. Within six weeks, I met the woman who is now my wife, and by the end of the year, I had a second book, a business, a new home and a dog!

In hindsight, I realise that, during my time in the corporate world, I burnt out because I was too busy trying to prove myself and looking after everyone else around me. I was juggling too many things and trying to make them all perfect, yet barely keeping up. I’d beat myself up for not having the energy to go to the gym or get up early for yoga before work. I spent a lot of hours travelling and in meetings – earning a living but not making a life.

However, my time in the corporate world provided me with some valuable research for the work I do now. I noticed some recurring themes as I worked in human resources (HR) with leadership teams across multiple countries and industries. Being in HR, you have a unique position, in that you’re often the coach and confidante of senior leaders. Not only do you get to sit on the leadership team; you also get to be privy to the recruitment to the team, and to talent and performance conversations.

This, combined with my own involvement in sport as a captain and player across Rugby, Football and Netball teams, led me to a fascination with peak performance. How do we sustain it? What is the difference between those who can and those who don’t? I saw that it wasn’t about capability, as we often think. It was much more about our mindset, our habits and the way we did what we did.

My journey has come full circle. I find myself drawing on skills from my corporate HR days of coaching, personal development, leadership development and training, now with the added benefit of my years in studying mindfulness and understanding balance, authenticity and the recipe for fulfilment.

Find out more in the new book, Burnout to Brilliance, out now

Stages of burnout, triggers and warning signs

Research out of AUT suggests 11 per cent of New Zealand workers might be experiencing burnout: physical or mental problems due to stress or overwork.  That’s more than one in every ten new Zealanders.

 We use the term burnout to describe physical, mental and emotional exhaustion.

The World Health Organisation predict burnout will be a global pandemic in less than a decade and The  World Economic Forum estimates an annual burnout cost of GBP 225B to the global economy.  We know there’s an organisational cost of burnout too with increased turnover, absenteeism and of course the obvious impact on performance. 

 The most common indicators burnout is at play are; exhaustion, a feeling of lack of control, disengaging, trouble focusing, a sense of dread about work and frequent feelings of cynicism or irritability.

Burnout is not just about quantity but the quality of what we’re doing not just how much of it we’re doing.  According to Psychology today; Burnout is not simply a result of working long hours or juggling too many tasks, though those both play a role. 

The cynicism, depression, and lethargy that are characteristic of burnout most often occur when a person is not in control of how a job is carried out, or is asked to complete tasks that conflict with their sense of self.

5 Stage of Burnout with symptoms

 In my experience, it’s not poor performers who burnout, we don’t burn out because we’re not capable, in fact it’s the opposite.  The more capable we are the more likely we are to burnout, it’s the drive of the high achiever that leads us down this path. 

High achievers are given more work because of their competence and track record which puts them at higher risk of overworking , having too much on their plate and ultimately burning out.

And of course we can’t say no, for fear of not been seen as up to the job, for looking weak or like we’re not coping. Our cultures and societal norms around this stuff keep us pushing until we hit a wall, saying yes until we collapse under the weight of all the commitments we’ve just made – then we feel like a failure. 

So how do we avoid burnout? What triggers should we look out for?

Well, if you’re tired all the time, despite getting plenty of sleep; if you’re constantly fighting off coughs and colds – always being on the verge of sickness; if you’re struggling to motivate yourself, and not finding joy in the things you used to love or don’t have the motivation to do these things … you’re on notice burnout is close.

In this state, we become less tolerant of those around us. We reach for the wrong food or increase our alcohol intake as a coping mechanism. When we’re exhausted, we tend to choose TV over exercise, or takeaways over cooking, or we skip meals completely because of a loss of appetite – these are all potential burnout signs.

And, of course, the most obvious sign is when we truly hit burnout, and end up in bed, completely devoid of energy and interest in life. This was certainly my experience – but we’re all different.

Most of us know what it’s like to be at our best; we’ve been there before. Likewise, we know what it’s like when we’re about to hit a wall and get sick: when we’ve overdone it, left it too late or burned the candle at both ends.

I like to think of this in terms of a traffic light. We all have green and red zones, and they look different for us all.

The red light stops us completely; it’s our ground zero. The green light is when we’re all go and at our best. The amber light, in between, is important: it’s our warning system. When we slip from green, before we hit red, the amber light gives us an opportunity to act and pre-empt hitting the wall and slipping into that red zone: burnout.

For me, that amber light is a twitch in the corner of my eye, a sore throat and a constant tiredness. It’s noticing I’m less tolerant and a bit snappy with loved ones. This is my amber light; my warning to back off, take a rest and pre-empt the approaching red zone.

Another way to think about this is in terms of the petrol warning light in the car. When you know your tank is nearing empty, stop and refuel, to avoid being left on the side of the road.

So what do these traffic lights look like for you? What do you notice about yourself when you’re at your best, on green? What about when you’re at your worst and close to burnout, on red? And what about that bit in between: what are the early warning signs you get at the amber light? What rating would you give yourself right now and what can you do about it?

Find out more in the brand new book, Burnout to Brilliance out now

Burnout to Brilliance

According to a 2020 study by the Mental Health Foundation a quarter of New Zealand adults are at risk of struggling with their mental health.  And even pre pandemic Southern Cross showed a 23.5 per cent rise in stress across businesses in their 2019 study.

Why is burnout becoming so prevalent and how can we navigate it to be at our best?  I believe the key lies into tapping into our brilliance.

Brilliance can mean many things.  In the dictionary it’s defined as cheerful, happy, lively, optimistic, bright, clear, dazzling, light, positive, smart, intelligent, sharp, quick, talented, inspired, skilful, excellent.  These are the things we aim for with peak performance and the things we experience when we’re at our best.

It’s the feeling we get when the sun lights up a room we’re in, it’s that light bulb moment when we have an amazing idea, it’s the 5 star rating on our performance when we’re at our best and it’s the light that shines on others when we move through work and life being our brilliant self.

When we’re brilliant we shine and so light is an intrinsic part of this concept of being brilliant.  In fact it feels light to live this way and when we’re closer to burnout we know it’s a heavy load to bear, a darker place to be.

It’s why I love the lightbulb metaphor here and for me it also represents energy, which is key to us sustaining our brilliance.  When we’re at our best we have more energy and like a light bulb we always shine brighter when we have more energy.  We also know what happens when we leave the light on too long, it dulls and eventually goes out.

Brightness is also synonymous with intelligence and of course when we’re being brilliant our intellect is at its sharpest and our brains are functioning at their full capability.

When I was in Bhutan, the kingdom famous for measuring Gross National Happiness in place of Gross Domestic Product (GDP), I was surrounded by brilliance, in terms of the light emanating from the people and the priorities their government had around environment, culture and sustainability. Many of the temples I visited had rooms full of butter lamps; there always seemed to be lights burning bright. It is said in Buddhism that light is the knowledge that dispels the darkness of ignorance.

This, for me, perfectly sums up this concept. How do we move from the ignorance of busyness and burnout to tap into our true potential and be brilliant?

It starts by looking in the right place and we’ve been distracted over recent years.  Distracted by a myth that more is better.  We need to do more, be more and focus on quantity.  What we’ve seen is that as a result quality has suffered; of our health, our work and ultimately our brilliance.  I believe in the concept that more is not always better – in fact, constantly striving for more may be the very thing contributing to our undoing. In fact, the visions we’re sold on Instagram are not achievable or real, and our organisational ways of working are built on an outdated model intended for the industrial age.

The ‘more is better’ attitude has pervaded our society, and resulted in marketing messages that only get us into debt, a mania for comparison with others (keeping up with the Joneses) and even hangovers and obesity! We all love a slice of cake, but the ‘more is better’ mantra can lead to us eating the whole thing and feeling sick. More is not necessarily better, even for the things we enjoy.

Busyness has become endemic and as a result we’re struggling.  It became a marker of success at work and something we’ve attached our self worth to with disastrous consequences.

In fact it may be true that our pursuit of brilliance has been our undoing and what’s led to so much burnout.  Being brilliant isn’t about doing more or being perfect (those are often precursors to burnout).  It’s about aligning with our skills and capabilities, believing in what we bring to the table and then of course having the energy to deliver on that.

I believe a fresh approach is required to ensuring we are a sustainable resource, equipped with knowledge on going from burnout to brilliance. There is a way of doing less to achieve more, it’s less but better because brilliance is about quality, not quantity.  This approach enables us to move from the destruction of busyness and burnout to tap into our true potential and be brilliant.

From the new book, Burnout to Brilliance here are my top tips.

·       Mind your busyness – it’s not a badge of honour or a reflection of how valuable you are.  It’s a sign you’re not at your best if you’re always busy.  Slow down so you can be effective, not busy.

·       Notice your language – what are you telling yourself?  Do you use the word busy, should or I have to do x,y,z a lot?  What’s your self-talk like and do you have control of your inner critic?

·       Prioritise rest and self-care to build your resilience

·       Know your triggers when burnout is approaching, audit your energy levels and fuel the tank as necessary

·       Focus on less but better, quality over quantity and reduce the overwhelm in the process

·       Master the art of tiny gains and focus on one thing at a time

·       Structure your life for success (harness the power of good habits)

·       Get your flow on – the art of flow increases our productivity and focus allowing us to access a state of deep work

·       Go easy on yourself – expect realism not perfection!

Don't let perfect be the enemy of excellence

As a recovering perfectionist I always wanted to overdeliver, in everything I did. I remember getting off stage in the early days of my public speaking career and the first thing I’d do, before the applause had even finished was go through my notes and highlight all the bits I’d missed or got wrong. Even though the audience had loved it, even though no-one knew what was on my script, I still expected to deliver each keynote perfectly and would beat myself up if I didn’t.

Over the years I’ve learned that done is better than perfect and to not let perfection get in the way of great work. This has helped me achieve more and also stopped me burning myself out! It’s not that I’ve lowered the bar on my standards, I’ve just reset it to a realistic level.

For me, perfectionism was driven by my fear of failure which is ironic as so often it set me up to fail by taking on too much and aiming for something that wasn’t achievable.

As perfectionists we’re often working hard but still feel like it’s not enough. We have excessively high expectations and beat ourselves up for not meeting them, you struggle to delegate or ask for help. You think if it’s not perfect you’re failing. Yet the target we set ourselves isn’t always achievable.

Take this scale, failure exists down the bottom and excellence at the top. However as a perfectionist that won’t be enough. We want to overdeliver, to go above and beyond excellent. This is extra time, effort and energy that we waste because it’s not necessary and it’s also extra effort, time and energy we can’t spend on other things. Things on our to do lists, our family or ourselves. It contributes to burnout and is also one of the ways we set ourselves up to fail (ironic really when it’s driven by a fear of failure!)

We hold perfectionism up as the standard we must achieve and then we beat ourselves up for not attaining it. We feel like we’re falling short as much of what we aim for isn’t possible. Whether it’s trying to look like the airbrushed photo of a magazine or wishing our life looked more like someone’s social media highlights reel – we’re aspiring to an impossible standard that’s not real. We’re setting ourselves up to fail.

I'll tell you what is real – imperfection! Imperfection is human and it can still be pretty amazing. We will make mistakes but we’re also capable of brilliance – just not all the time!

When we appear perfect we are less genuine and authentic. Dame Jenny Shipley once told me ‘the closer you are to perfect the less people will trust you’ and this makes so much sense.

Perfection is imperfect, we’re setting ourselves up to fail. It’s not surprising this is linked to overwhelm and burnout when we hold ourselves to these excessively high standards. Sometimes done is better than perfect yet we’re conditioned to always want to achieve more or better – it’s no wonder we feel like we’re falling short!

Mastering the confidence competence loop

In my workshops we always discuss the competence confidence loop. When we try something new for the first time and get out of our comfort zone, like a new job or challenge it’s where we can feel Imposter Experience the most. But as time goes on, we learn and grow in the role and overcome the challenge the feeling lessens. It’s normal to feel uncomfortable when we get out of our comfort zone, to worry about failing or not being as good as people think. But when we try and succeed we collect evidence of our competence and this in turn boosts our confidence.

When we prove ourselves competent we grow in confidence but this only happens by facing the fear in the first place and getting uncomfortable.

When we get out of our comfort zone one of two things will happen. Either we’ll succeed (and enter that competence confidence loop) or we’ll fail – and learn something that helps us succeed next time around (with the same impact on our competence confidence loop). Too often we think that failure is a negative, that it’s proof our imposter syndrome is right but it’s often part of the competence confidence loop, the longer way around to the same destination. A harder path to travel but one that also helps us offset our Imposter Syndrome.

I remember feeling like an Imposter, ironically when I was being called the Imposter Syndrome expert in the media. I’d written about it in my book but I’d not delivered too many workshops by then and was still researching more of the data and content so feeling like anything but an expert. I’d worry that interviewers were going to ask me questions I didn’t know the answer to or that I’d get ‘found out’. A year on and a few more workshops, conferences and interviews under my belt and I feel the benefit of the competence, confidence loop and the feeling of being ‘found out’ is replaced by one of confidence.

Want to learn more? Book a free no obligation discovery call with me and let's chat about how I can help.

From overwhelmed and busy to confident and productive

The work that I’m privileged to do helps high performers realise their potential.  High achievers have this tendency to overwork, to always want to do more and better.  We set ourselves excessively high expectations and its not uncommon for this to stray into perfectionism either!
 
Add to this the chance of Imposter Experience getting in the way and we have this fear of being found out or not being good enough pushing us to overdeliver, to prove ourselves again, to do more or better.

It's often what drives the way we think, feel and behave.  When we are confident, we get competence and are more likely to lean in, to back ourselves, to speak up. This combined with our self-care focus and an awareness of what we bring to the table is a winning formula for overcoming Imposter Experience and being our best.  We are more likely to delegate and set boundaries, we’re also more likely to feel clarity and energy for peak performance and understand our unique skill set.

This is very different to when we’re in the space of overwhelm and doubt which breeds procrastination, self-doubt and fear of not being enough.  We’re more likely to compare to others, feel like we’re falling short and ultimately burnout.
 
My programmes take teams from burnout to brilliance, from feeling overwhelmed and busy to confident and productive.  To understand what we bring to the table and back ourselves to own our space.
 
The table below explains that journey from overwhelm and busyness through self-doubt to enable us to build our awareness, resilience and confidence to prove our competence.

Where do you currently sit?  What are the impacts?  Find out how I can help here.

Is Imposterism putting a ceiling on your confidence?

Imposter Experience isn’t a deficit in capability, it’s a lens that makes us feel like we’re not as capable as we actually are.  A doubt in our abilities and a ceiling on our confidence.

Generally over time as we build more experience in a certain thing our competence improves.  When we prove ourselves competent we generally also increase a rise in confidence at the same time.  Now we know we can do it, that belief and confidence follows.
 
Competence and confidence are different and when Imposter Experience is at play we are often more competent than our confidences permits.  Our confidence is lower because it’s capped by the ceiling that is our Imposterism.  At this point regardless of how much more competence we’re building we simply don’t have the associated rise in confidence to recognise it so it goes unnoticed.

It’s why we often get this feeling that others think we’re better than we are.  Our confidence has been limited and of course they’re viewing our competence without the imposed ceiling that our own Imposterism gives us – the lens of self-doubt I often talk about.

The important thing to note is that this ceiling is moveable and that it doesn’t have to impact our competence and confidence unless we let it.

Is your Imposterism putting a ceiling on your confidence?  Let's work together to remove the imposterism ceiling on your competence.

With workshops, coaching programmes and online courses, get in touch to discuss how I can help you.

Book a free call here and let’s chat.

The confidence continuum

I’m often asked in my workshops when we work on confidence and humility. What if I become too confident? We worry that by implementing strategies to offset Imposterism we’ll go too far the other way. It’s particularly prevalent in our humble, modest kiwi culture where the fear of being a tall poppy exists.
We often consider modesty and humility to be the same as self deprecation and that to own our strengths, know our worth and celebrate our successes all of a sudden renders us narcissists!

There is an opposite to Imposter Syndrome and it’s called Dunning Kruger Effect named the guys who coined the phrase. If Imposterism is someone who’s good at what they do but doesn’t think they are then Dunning Kruger is the opposite. Someone who thinks they’re really good at something but often isn’t.

The Dunning-Kruger Effect is a cognitive bias where people who perform poorly on a certain task tend to overestimate their own performance. The problem is twofold, since not only do people have a certain inability, they are also unable to acknowledge their inability, therefore overestimating their capabilities.

I frequently am told all about someone’s 3 week trip to New Zealand ten years ago when I tell them I live there or when I mention I’ve studied and taught meditation for a decade a man once volunteered his knowledge on the subject by saying “I’m not a meditator but what I understand about mindfulness is….”

Wouldn’t it be a good thing to have this kind of confidence people often ask me? I respond by asking them if they like working with people who fit this description? Do they think of them as good performers? Would they select them for a job? Invite them to a dinner party? – you get the idea! Having low self-awareness and an arrogance about your capability isn’t an attractive quality. Yes it may get you a promotion (how many incompetent people get over promoted because of their confidence?) but they get found out eventually because they don’t deliver, they’re unable to perform at the level they pitch themselves at.

So if the Dunning-Kruger Effect is a cognitive bias where people who perform poorly on a certain task tend to overestimate their own performance. Imposter experience is a bias that is cognitively predisposed towards our failings and why we’re not good enough. We struggle to acknowledge our skills and successes therefore thinking that everyone else is over rating us and one day we’ll get found out. We perform well but we can’t see it! It’s illusionary superiority (Dunning Kruger) versus illusionary inadequacy (Imposter).

Both are illusionary and a mismatch of our confidence and capabilities in opposite directions. What we’re aiming for is the middle ground.

On this continuum we have debilitating self doubt at one end which is when Imposter Experience is left unchecked and worsens. At the opposite end, if arrogance, ego and overconfidence gets to its worst it’s probably narcissism right? Described as a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for attention and admiration!

Each of these terms Dunning Kruger and Imposter experience exist on the continuum and the sweet spot we’re all aiming for is an alignment of capability and confidence in the middle. For that, those with imposter syndrome need to gain more confidence to match their abilities and those with Dunning Kruger may need to be less confident in their abilities. Both need to be closer to reality than their confidence allows them to believe!

Should we stop telling people they have Imposter Syndrome?

It’s a topic of discussion that’s come up a lot this year; should we stop telling women they have Imposter Syndrome?  Is it really the fault of the organisation and an excuse that arises from what is actually discrimination and bias that leaves us feeling not good enough, that we need fixing?

My thoughts on this are yeah, nah.  Here’s why.

Yes I agree with organisational responsibility to fix broken systems, do more in the equality space and address bias, but it’s not all about workplace culture.  These things will exacerbate Imposter Syndrome (or Experience as I call it) but it doesn’t explain imposter experience in those who work in thriving cultures or those of privilege who also share these feelings.  People like Dr Ashley Bloomfield who openly talks about his Imposter Experience despite being a middle aged white male in a government lead by a globally acclaimed leader.

I think if we lump the two together we risk throwing the baby out with the bath water.  It’s like saying let’s stop giving free lunches at school because we need to solve child poverty – both are required and are a supporting mechanism whilst the larger task progresses.

We’re talking about 2 separate things here and one doesn’t mutually exclude the other.  Imposter Experience won’t go away if we fix our systems.  It doesn’t exist because of bad workplace culture.  In fact, supporting people with Imposter Experience helps bridge the gap, to support people to exist in cultures that may still be a work in progress.  So fix the culture yes but also support the Imposter Experience.

Workplace culture is an external environment.  Imposter experience is an internal one.  The one thing we have the biggest influence over as individuals is our internal environment, how we think and how we choose to show up.  This isn’t to say there’s something wrong with us or it’s a problem we need to fix.  It’s acknowledging a reality that exists in many high achievers and something that if left unchecked can halt our progress or lead us to dim our light.

Rather than the minority being ‘supported’ to fit in we need to gain the self-efficacy to feel comfortable standing out.  To bring what is different about us knowing it’s a strength and a super power that sets us apart in a good way rather than making us different and feel like we need to be more like the norms we see around us.  That’s why I’m passionate about the Imposter Experience work I do and after many years of running workshops, I’ve also seen the impact on thousands of people across multiple countries .

If we stop focusing on Imposter Experience and say it’s actually down to workplace culture we are left with a problem we’ve already been trying to fix for over a hundred years.  I don’t think they are mutually exclusive.  In fact whilst we’re still trying to fix our broken systems, gain equality, stamp out discrimination we also need support with the realities that exist regardless of our cultures – like Imposter Experience.  So do both.

If the lens we look through is clouded by self doubt it doesn’t matter about your organisations policies, quotas or women in leadership initiatives.  You’ll not back yourself, you won’t apply for the promotion and you won’t feel like you’ve earned your place at the table.  Navigating imposter experiences helps individuals do this and therefore improve cultures along the way.

I know from my Imposter Experience research that there’s a lot of power in having the conversation, normalising these feelings and giving them a label.  Imposter Experience is about our self-efficacy, the way we view our capabilities.  It’s not about fitting in or belonging, that’s different.

Imposter Experience is not bullying, discrimination, bias or toxic cultures – they exist on the external.  My view is this isn’t about fixing people, it’s about supporting them to own their space.  It’s helping people remove that lens of self-doubt to gain confidence in what they bring to the table.

What's the difference between being busy and productive?

It’s an interesting question because most of us have been conditioned to believe that the busier we are the more productive we’ll be. We live in a world that prioritises quantity over quality – more is always better. The more hours you work the more valued you are as an employee, the more successful you’ll be, the more you’ll earn. Until we burn out. Then we’re not productive or valuable to anyone!

Busyness is fashionable, we wear busy like a badge of honour. It means we’re needed, valuable and productive. This attachment to busy has become a marker of our self-worth and we cling to it.

Our societies attachment to busy means we no longer value the opposite of busy – we see down time as a waste of time. Do you feel selfish or guilty for taking time out for you? Even though it’s not just you that benefits from that time out. Imagine what a better partner, parent, worker, person you are when you’re not stressed out and tired?

It’s a concept I refer to as slowing down to speed up which I know sounds counter intuitive but bear with me! If we slow down, take time out, make time for self-care we find we become more effective and therefore speed up. Because tasks don’t take as long, decisions are easier to make and problems easier to solve, we can think clearly and we make less mistakes. This is the concept of slowing down that then enables us to speed up because we’re more effective.

It’s this difference between busy and productive and they don’t mean the same thing. In fact the busier you are the chances are the less effective you’re going to be.

We live in a world where we’ve been taught more is always better and a focus on quantity, that we should multi task, do more things in less time and that there’s never enough. It’s not a coincidence that burnout has become so prevalent.

However more is not necessarily better, especially where performance is concerned. We can work hard but only to a point. Without the necessary balance and down time the hard work starts to become ineffective. We hit a point at peak performance where further quantity starts to impact on the quality of what we produce. This is the time we’re more likely to make mistakes, less likely to innovate and less tolerant with those we’re working with. At this point more quantity starts to decrease performance until we eventually hit burnout.

That’s what I’ve charted below in this model. If we can do enough to hit peak performance without doing too much that we lose our effectiveness we’ve hit the sweet spot.

This is why I’m so passionate about teaching people how to slow down to speed up, the difference between busy and productive and how to perform at our peak. It leads to less overwhelm and burnout and ensures we are a sustainable resource.

Get in touch to talk about running this workshop for your business. Book a call here to chat further.

What kind of busy are you?

As I write my next book, Burnout to Brilliance I’m reflecting on the impacts of our busyness.

Busyness is fashionable, we wear busy like a badge of honour. It means we’re needed, valuable and productive. This attachment to busy has become a marker of our self-worth and we cling to it.

It’s this difference between busy and productive and they don’t mean the same thing. In fact the busier you are the chances are the less effective you’re going to be.

It’s why I’m passionate about teaching the concept of slowing down to speed up and the difference between busy and productive to help us perform at our peak and be our best without burning out in the process.

Today I'm exploring the different types of busy and what they lead to. Whilst busyness has been made fashionable it presents in different ways and therefore varying impacts.

At it’s best it’s a healthy busy that equates to performance but most often this is not the case. We’re too busy overdelivering, trying to prove ourselves because we lack confidence and fear we’re going to get found out. We have a pressure to know all the answers which keeps us busy chasing after perfect outcomes. Or we’re just the kind of busy that thrives on chaos, being needed and wanting to do it all so we can complain about the stress we’re under. This ends up in burnout and under productive performance but at its worst becomes overwhelm, avoidance, and procrastination. We can be so worried we’ll fail we don’t even try, or the pressure to know more stops us from making the smallest progress or making a start. Or we’ve got problems we’d rather avoid so busyness becomes a great distraction!

What type of busy are you? When we understand why we behave the way we do and what the resulting impact is it’s the first step to doing something about it. This is what I help people with on my programmes and workshops.

To find out more why not book a free no obligation call with me and let's chat about how I can help you go from burnout to brilliance.

Is Imposter Syndrome good for us?

This is an idea I’ve seen circulating recently often disguised as the positives that come with Imposter Syndrome.  That maybe a little bit of self doubt is good for helping us sense check our ego, that it motivates us to perform and keep striving to get better.  It’s often termed ‘balanced self doubt’.

Obviously we know that too much self doubt is detrimental, in the same way that too much stress is detrimental.  We also know that a little bit of stress can be a motivating factor to achieve a deadline or help spur us into action.  Is it the same with self-doubt though?

Adam Grant talks about it in his book, Think Again, that perhaps it’s a good thing that stops us getting complacent and makes us work harder. That doubting ourselves helps us sense check ideas and ask better questions.

The first thing to note is that a lot of this comes out of the US where there is perhaps more of a cultural requirement towards ego checking! What I mean by that is a culture that’s much better at backing themselves and less plagued by self-doubt.  We live in quite a humble, modest society in Aotearoa, as a result I think we have more of an issue with self-doubt.

I also think we can achieve all of this without having to doubt our abilities or suffer from Imposterism - in fact it’s a must.

If we look at stress and self doubt on a continuum we know that the detrimental areas of each exist at both ends of the scale (too much and too little) and that what we’re aiming for is the middle ground, the happy medium.

Too little stress is boredom and too much is burnout - we need the middle ground. The true can be said of self doubt. But is Imposter Syndrome really the middle ground here - I don’t think it is and have outlined this continuum in more detail below to show you what I mean.

I don’t believe we can look at imposter syndrome as ‘balanced self doubt’.  What we’re actually talking about here is balanced ego. It’s not about having more or less self-doubt it’s about aligning our confidence with our capabilities so that it reflects reality.

When we talk about balanced self-doubt what we’re talking about is someone who does not experience imposterism and has an alignment of their skills and capabilities. 

This added humility means we ask the right questions, motivate ourselves to succeed and do all this without having to have ‘a healthy amount of self-doubt’.  I think the healthiest view on this is where our skillset and confidence align (the middle ground). 

It means we’re not undone by self doubt, we’re not suffering from imposter experience and we’ve also not gone too far the other way and let our ego get the better of us, either through Dunning Kruger (a cognitive bias where people greatly overestimate their competence despite limited competence in said domain) or worse!

So I don’t believe a little bit of imposter syndrome is healthy, I think managing it is healthy and when our belief in our capabilities matches reality what we find is we don’t have imposter syndrome.  A healthy amount of self-doubt is actually humility, without self-doubt. Someone free of imposterism, who is self aware and can embrace both their strengths and weaknesses in line with reality and perform at their peak.

This is something I’ve invested years of my life training others and forms the subject of three books I’ve written, if you’re keen to find out more, head to the resources page of the website

4 ways I overcame imposter experience

It’s something I talk a lot about in my Imposter Experience trainings and workshops.  I also love sharing stories with the group, as when we talk about this not only do we normalise it but it helps us learn from each others experience.  There’s a great power in knowing this impacts other high achievers in similar ways.

My Imposterism always came about in my corporate career about my intellect as I got promoted up the ranks.  I left school as early as I could and didn’t go to University.  I wanted to get out into the real world, earn, travel and spread my wings.  I’d sit around leadership tables next to those with multiple degrees and wonder if I belonged.  “Who am I to question these people, what could I possibly have to add?  I don’t even have a degree.”

It fed into my self doubt around my leadership role and what I brought to the table and would often result in me not asking questions or sharing ideas.  When I left the corporate world it didn’t go away but changed.  When I’d go on TV or release books ‘who are you to pose as an expert? What if they ask a question you don’t know the answer to?  Who will read your book?’

Thankfully I learned the strategies to ensure these feelings of self-doubt when they arise don’t stop me doing it anyway.  I’ve learned that it’s less about overcoming our imposter experience and more about learning to manage it.  I often refer to it as a volume control not a switch that is either on or off and it comes and goes throughout our experiences often rearing its head when we’re out of our comfort zone.

Here are some of the top tips I use to offset my imposter experience, hopefully they help with yours too:

Own your super powers is an important message I’m often telling everyone else so it makes sense I also have to practice what I preach!  This starts by knowing what we bring to the table and valuing it.  Awareness of my strengths keeps me from beating myself up over my weaknesses.

Celebrating successes is not always something I’ve been good at or taken the time to do.  Now it’s become part of my planning each week and month.  Before I look forward I take a moment to look back.  What’s gone well and why, what am I proud of?  Sometimes I journal this, other times I simply reflect and bring these things to mind on a Friday afternoon as I wrap up the week.  I also have an icon on my desktop that is a folder I store successes in.  Feedback from clients, published articles or acclamation for my work.  Each time I add to this I’m offsetting my negativity bias in my brain and also providing a place to go to on those off days – the evidence that I am as good as people think when my inner imposter is telling me otherwise.

I don’t have to know all the answers!  As a human I will make mistakes and that’s ok, aslong as I learn from them and it helps improve me next time around.  Infact that’s how I’ve learned most of the things I now put into practice to be successful and the result has been the same.  My confidence has improved because I’ve proved myself competent, even by making mistakes and learning along the way.  This confidence, competence loop is something I teach in my workshops.

Balance has been key too, when I find time for me to reflect, pause and gain the space to think I become more resilient and I also increase my awareness.  This helps me notice and acknowledge more of the positives.  Retraining my brain to notice more of the positives including my strengths and successes.  This increased resilience also helps me feel more confident, bounce back from challenges and own my space.

It’s not as simple as doing this once though and being confident forever.  It’s like training a muscle at the gym, it takes practice.  Little and often is the key like building a muscle, we do the work until we’re strong even when we’re not at the gym, it doesn’t all happen in one personal training session!

There are many other strategies that I share in my workshops.  What matters most is not whether we suffer from self-doubt as most of us do at some point, it’s whether we let it stop us.  These strategies help us offset our imposter experience and succeed regardless.

Get free resources to help you overcome Imposter Experience here

The Introvert Advantage

 It comes up often in our leadership chats as well as the diversity space.  The difference between introverts and extroverts and which is actually better?  Well despite what one thinks about the other it’s neither!  It’s just different and each has it’s own pros and cons.

I’m an introvert so maybe slightly biased but over the years feeling like I should be more extroverted to be liked or promoted I’ve come to see this as a super power.

I used to think it was a weakness, I’m too reserved, I need to speak out more, I need to be the life and soul of the party to be liked.  I need to be louder at work to be noticed.  It was all very exhausting.  I see this in others and on reflection I got noticed because of what I brought to the table, including my introvert advantage, so that’s what I enjoy helping others understand.

Let’s clear up a few misconceptions.  In a nut shell introversion or extroversion comes down to how a person responds to stimulation, especially in social settings.  Introverts tend to thrive in quiet situations, while extroverts crave the opposite, tending to thrive in crowds or with large amounts of stimulation. 

Introverts aren’t shy and around the right people who they know well, or one on one can be very chatty, particulalrly if the conversation is meaningful.  Sit me at a dinner table full of strangers or a networking event and I’ll need a day by myself to get over it!  Our introvert nature doesn’t mean we don’t enjoy people or socialising, it just means we need time by ourselves to balance this afterwards. 

I love being out connecting with people but I also know I need time to myself to refuel.  I know I focus better in the quiet, without distractions and create better when I’m in my own head reflecting and considering.  It’s why I never liked open plan offices and love working from home! It’s why many introverts have found they’ve thrived in lockdown. 

Extroverts on the other hand get their energy from people, they like to think out loud and bounce ideas around with the group.  After work they want a dinner party not the couch and a good book.

Of course all this exists on a sliding scale and some might have stronger tendancies in each direction than others.  In reality most of us exist close to the middle of that scale as ambiverts with slight tendancies towards either side.  It’s less about how we act because we can all do the things at both ends of this extreme but more about how we fill our cup, where we get our energy and what we need to be at our best.

Many women who come to me for coaching are introverts and will ask things like ‘how can i be more extroverted to get ahead in leadership’.  My mantra is very much about leveraging the skills we have not trying to be like others or change our unique gifts.  But is it true, do extroverts get ahead at work, are they heard more, do people notice them, are they favoured over introverts?

In a world that celebrates ego, noise and attention you’d think so, we’re conditioned to believe that we should be the centre of attention, outgoing is fashionable and attractive and calm and reserved is often considered boring! 

Our world is designed for extroverts and we’re all over stimulated.  This makes it harder for introverts and more important we understand what we need and what we can bring to the table.  But if we’re trying to be more like extroverts or not allowing ourselves what we need we’re missing out on a super power and the world is missing out on our creativity and leadership.

I know many successful introverts, and i am one so I thought it time to share how this quiet, considered nature can actually be a superpower and therefore how to use it.

I first embraced being an introvert and realised this was a super power when I read Susan Cains amazing book Quiet.  “Introverts have nervous systems that react more when there's stuff going on around us,” says Cain. “Could be people, but it could also be bright lights and noise and so on. That means that we're feeling at our most alive and in our sweet spot when things are a little bit quieter and more mellow.”

I’ve sat in many leadership meetings where extroverts have thought aloud, repeated what others have said in their owns words, mansplained (even when they’ve not been men) and shot from the hip and we’ve been no further forward in solving the problem.  Until right at the end of the meeting when the introvert in the room who’s sat back listened, reflected and not spoken a word all meeting says one thing which adds more value than the previous hour of korero.  Our style may mean we need time to consider and reflect but it also taps into an intellect and articulation that means it should be heard not get lost in the noise.

In her TED talk Cain references studies that suggest introverted leaders often deliver better outcomes than extroverts do. 

As introverts we listen better therefore understand more (this might explain the impact we have despite saying much less), we consider and reflect weighing up options, viewing risks and making well thought out choices.  Obviously we have a duty to speak up and share our ideas but our organisations also need to make space for this to happen, facilitate the conversations to get the best out of both sets of people who sit around the table and invite space and process that appeals to both natures.

Recently I set up our entire home loan over email with a mortgage advisor I’ve never met or spoken to, it was great and I imagine he is also an introvert.  I love retreats but prefer silent ones.  Where I can avoid the group dinners and have an excuse to be by myself without feeling rude, guilty or aloof.

I suppose it’s also why I love to write books, although that’s lead to a speaking career I never imagined and actually enjoy!  When we get what we need introverts thrive and contribute so much more, make a bigger impact and can ultimately change the world. 

Give me notice, time to think and a quiet space and you’ll unleash my super powers!

So if you’re an introvert stop thinking you need to be more outgoing.  Understand what you need to be at your best, get that solitude you need to recharge.  It’s as important to your energy as a good nights sleep.

We all need a tug boat

It’s been a bit stormy in Wellington of late.  It’s normal I guess for winter.  I was up on the hill recently overlooking the ocean (warm and inside I might add).  As the swell whipped around the harbour and the rain and wind blasted the window I watched a container ship coming into port.

These things are massive and sail from the other side of the world in the open ocean withstanding conditions I can only imagine.  Yet when they get to port they need to wait for these tiny little tug boats to go out and guide them in.

It made me think of an analogy with us and our life.  Sometimes the swell is heavy, sometimes the storms are set it.  Whilst, like the container ships we’re all capable of withstanding the weather, sometimes we need a tug boat to bring us home.  Sometimes we encounter those tricky patches we’re maybe not used to or haven’t navigated before and we need support.  Like the little tug boats that come out to guide us home.  This can be in the form of people, learnings, knowledge or reflection.  It can also be the things we do – yoga and meditation have so often been my tug boats guiding me safely to port.

So who or what is your tug boat in the storm is the question I’m thinking today.  As well as drawing from this analogy that it’s often the small things in life that really make a big difference – like the tug boats.  Even the big strong container ships need support and navigation, so do we.

The pitfalls of perfect

As a recovering perfectionist I always wanted to overdeliver, in everything I did.  I remember getting off stage in the early days of my public speaking career and the first thing I’d do, before the applause had even finished was go through my notes and highlight all the bits I’d missed or got wrong.  Even though the audience had loved it, even though no-one knew what was on my script I still expected to deliver each keynote perfectly and beat myself up if I didn’t.

Over the years I’ve learned that done is better than perfect and to not let perfection get in the way of great work.  This has helped me achieve more and also stopped me burning myself out!  It’s not that I’ve lowered the bar on my standards, I’ve just reset it to a realistic level.

For me, perfectionism was driven by my fear of failure which is ironic as so often it set me up to fail by taking on too much, aiming for something that wasn’t achievable.  I was always trying to overdeliver and go above and beyond to prove myself.  I now realise this was down to my own self-doubt and fear of being found out.  The only person I needed to prove something to was my inner critic and for most of us the person in the room with the highest expectation of you, will be you.  So how do you know if you’re a perfectionist?

You’re working hard but still feel like it’s not enough, you have excessively high expectations and beat yourself up for not meeting them, you struggle to delegate or ask for help, you feel overwhelmed, you worry you’ll get found out and that you’re not good enough. You think if it’s not perfect you’re failing. You feel alone and that there is something wrong with you!

We all have our strengths and weaknesses and I remember Jackie Clark of The Aunties saying ‘own your shit, own your shine’ which sums this up perfectly.  We so often focus on eliminating our weaknesses whilst at the same time playing down or ignoring completely the things that make us great.

We hold perfection up as the standard we must achieve and then we beat ourselves up for not attaining it.  We feel like we’re falling short as much of what we aim for isn’t possible.  Whether it’s trying to look like the airbrushed photo of a magazine or wishing our life looked more like someone’s social media high lights reel – we’re aspiring to an impossible standard that’s not real.  We’re setting ourselves up to fail.

I tell you what is real – imperfection!  Imperfection is human and it can still be pretty amazing.  We will make mistakes but we’re also capable of brilliance – just not all the time!

I love the way the Japanese refer to perfection. Kintsugi is the Japanese art of putting broken pottery pieces back together with gold — built on the idea that in embracing flaws and imperfections, you can create an even stronger, more beautiful piece of art.  Wabi-sabi is a concept I wrote about in the Superwoman Survival Guide and is centered on the acceptance of imperfection. Appreciating beauty that is imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete in nature. 

Imperfection is our true nature and it is beautiful.  When we appear perfect we are less genuine and authentic.  Dame Jenny Shipley once told me ‘the closer you are to perfect the less people will trust you’ and this makes so much sense.

Perfection is imperfect, we’re setting ourselves up to fail. It’s not surprising this is linked to overwhelm and burnout when we hold ourselves to these excessively high standards. Sometimes done is better than perfect yet we’re conditioned to always want to achieve more or better – it’s no wonder we feel like we’re falling short!

So what can we do about it and how can remind our inner perfectionist to rein itself in?

I never cashed my first royalty cheque

This is my first royalty cheque.  I kept it because it cost more to cash than it was worth.  It’s less than $5US.  My first book was a flop but did this mean I was a flop as an author?  Well four books later it turns out it was just that I had a lot to learn.  The last four years have been a big learning curve and as I reflect on the success of book four I’m grateful to have been able to put all those lessons into practice.

So often we see failure as the end of the road, proof we’re not good enough so we stop trying.  In reality we’re never going to be good at something we’ve never done when we try it for the first time, unless it’s a lucky fluke!  We have to learn, to practice and often a long that route we’ll fail.  That’s often how we learn our biggest lessons so why do we see it as a negative and proof we’re not good enough.

We fear failure and so often see it as a negative yet in reality it’s how we learn.  It’s often a stepping stone to success and therefore a positive we should embrace on our journey of growth and development.  Some organisations are now encouraging more risk taking and being open to failing because they’ve figured out it’s how we become more innovative and explore ideas and push the boundaries of what’s possible – if we’re not fearing failure but rather learning from mistakes to continuously improve.

It’s an approach I’m a massive fan of and have seen work for myself and my own business.  But it’s a work in progress too.  It’s not like flicking a switch and requires us to undo years of conditioning encouraging us to avoid failure and that it’s a negative, proof we’re not good enough.

It’s something I refer to as the competence confidence loop.  When we try something new for the first time and get out of our comfort zone, like a new job or challenge it’s where we can fear failure the most.  But as time goes on and we learn and grow in the role and overcome the challenge the feeling lessens.  It’s normal to feel uncomfortable when we get out of our comfort zone, to worry about failing or not being as good as people think.  But when we try and succeed we collect evidence of our competence and this in turn boosts our confidence.   This of course may include some rerouting around our mistakes along the way as we learn to succeed!

When we get out of our comfort zone one of two things will happen.  Either we’ll succeed (and enter that competence confidence loop) or we’ll fail – and learn something that helps us succeed next time around (with the same impact on our competence confidence loop).  Too often we think that failure is a negative, that it’s proof our imposter syndrome is right but it’s often part of the competence confidence loop, the longer way around to the same destination. 

I teach more about relating to fear and failure and the confidence competence loop in my workshops which are available for your business or team now.  Or why not book yourself into this years public one day workshop in Wellington on 25 May.